I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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