It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
