it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
