i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
