My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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