just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
There's even glitter on my cock...
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