Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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