I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
