Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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