I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
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Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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