need another drink. this is the easiest way
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
