genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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