So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
