Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
