i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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