the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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