And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
