look no pants
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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