I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
