i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
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I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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