I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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