hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
