I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
