there was a trapeze. enough said
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
