I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
there is glitter all over my balls
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
