There is no way he is gay with that hair.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
