this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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