so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The power of my boobs compel you
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
