I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
