Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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