Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
