Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
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