went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
