If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
