i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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