she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
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