i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's shark week go big or go home
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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