I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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