I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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