I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
