peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
