she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
