do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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