I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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