im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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