Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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