She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
