He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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