Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
