it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
