If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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