I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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