Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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