is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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