Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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