Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
