i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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