you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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